I am OLD and Single!

I chose “old” and single as a topic because in a country like ours, being in late 20s is old unless you are Rahul Gandhi and being single when you are old is a sin even Rahul Gandhi was not spared (I am glad!) The potential problems we lot face is just unexplainable (I have come to fall in love with the word potential because of my old manager. That’s for another day). The older generation cannot understand why I am still single when I am already too “old” to bear children? Why I am hanging out with so many men late at night when I should be hanging out with my husband? Why I plan on solo travelling and other crazy things when I should actually be running behind my kids and taking care of my husband. Then comes our generation who thinks that best friend I am going out with or tag on facebook is a boyfriend of mine. That I should keep an open mind and many such annoying things.

Here’s a fact, I don’t want to be single and I don’t want to compromise either. It’s complicated; deal with it or how about “It’s none of your fucking business”. So here I am sitting and hatching eggs while the right person comes along (or got hit by a truck). Growing old as I stay single has its side effects. I am losing my mojo! I have lost interest in flirting or should I say lame flirting? This is how my flirting sessions go -

Hi!

Hi!

What’s up?

This one throws me off; call me old fashioned or an idiot but this question is really vague in all sense. What’s up? Ceiling, sky, fan, light and many things (I am letting your imagination work here) but seriously, what’s up? I blink for a good 5 mins and type –

‘Nothing much. Going on’ I asked some of my good friends who understand my dumbness on what I should reply to what’s up? They said I can tell how my life is and how things are going on in general. So ok, my answer is appropriate. Then –

How are you?

I thought I just said what’s up!

Yes but how are you?

OK, I cannot handle this. I stop responding. I honestly feel I am not made for small talks. If, what’s up and how are you and howdy are the same why are you asking them in 3 different ways? Clearly, you don’t know how to take a conversation or I don’t know how to answer the same question in 3 different ways. Sometimes when I am too bored or in a good mood, I take control and ask about their interests most of the times it is uninteresting (Watching TV or internet – that’s vague (again)) or something vague (again and again!) Plus, watching TV or internet is not an interest! So anyway, few of my friends ask me to be less of an ass so I pick watching TV and ask about movies and series I watch. Most of the times, they have no idea what I am talking about (and they call themselves a book worm or a movie buff!). So to bridge the difference, I again let them take the lead and they come up with, “So what are you doing?” Well, I am doing a lot of things now but mostly stuck with you and looking for ways to get rid of you. I stop replying and conveniently move the person to my friend’s zone. Honestly, in my defense, I will not get offended if the man does the same to me, to each his own.

Then there is this matrimonial site. For 7 years now, I am not able to solve the mystery of what traditional with a modern bend or down to earth yet open minded mean. How are down to earth and open-minded related? In between,

Hello, men! You are annoyed with us giving preferences. I would like to tell you that we are super annoyed with your vague statements like above and Height – 5 feet 2 inches to 5 feet 5 inches, weight – 50 -65 Kgs, Job – Must, should have completed MBA or hold a Master degree (frankly, I would prefer holding something else (pardon my perverted mind!)) Should be willing to contribute to my housing loan (So you couldn’t take another loan to pay your housing loan and decided to get married) now what are these? Are they not preferences? Oh right, you are men! I forgot.

I have had matrimonial requests from men who are 56, beat that. That was when my mother decided to delete my profile from the site (Thank God! You proved your existence. Finally!) Then there are these utterly shameless men who always think that I am single so obviously assume that I am easy and available. And then I have deal with men at work and everywhere else who always see me as a prospective bride or again naturally assume that I am available for sex. I tried an experiment and told these men that I am committed and they all stopped talking to me (speak of decent men and friendship, meh!).

To all those useless people who asked me to try the dating sites. I am sure you would have used those too and I tried it too because friends! So now that I have tried and tested it, I want to ask these people who use it only one innocent question, “Seriously, have you ever considered getting a fucking life?” Let me break the bubble for you, you are not going to meet your soulmate there, you are not going to meet a decent soul there forget soulmate (If I have hurt your feelings, I deeply apologize but screw these dating sites and go do something useful!) I came across so many sex-deprived men there. I couldn’t handle for more than 2 hours.

So, here are the facts out on the table. I have laid it off neatly for you to know. I am going through a lot as a woman who is single at this age. I am love deprived and sometimes (read all the time) crave for a man who will be by my side thinking of ways to put up with my craziness and love me for what I am (I am assuming he did not get aborted in the womb, that will make me sad and put in depression for the rest of my life. But you get the point and I will try to be an optimist.). I don’t want him to see me as a bank that will pay his personal loan or someone who will serve his parents or someone who will be that traditional Indian bahu! I just cannot be! And I can be old and single and crazy but I cannot be old and married and boring. I will break the wedding and ask the man to fuck off because I have very low tolerance, wait… no tolerance at all to bullshit and boredom. So I am asking you nicely to mind your business and I am very rarely nice in this regard!