Choices!

Life change, priorities shift and in this process you tend to lose touch with the things that you love to do. I for one have lost myself chasing the unnecessarily important things in life. So, today I have decided to think aloud or should I say write everything that I have been thinking all these days. Writing is my passion. When I was heartbroken and hopeless in life writing helped me to pull myself together. It gave a new meaning to my life. But then these days I have been running behind the things that I consider least important in life so much that I have stopped writing.  I feel distant from writing. I know I have been telling this from a very long time now but that’s how I feel. Do you know how it feels? If feels like you have gone dumb when there are so many things you want to tell the person you love and the person is walking away from you because you are not telling him those things! Everytime I open word or my diary to write something I go blank like all the words in a book has been erased and all you can see is a blank page and your hand and brain cannot coordinate enough to pen down everything that you have been thinking.

It all started when few of my well-wishers thought I should stop writing the same kind of stuff again and again. They thought I can write better. They thought I should stop ranting in my blogs. They thought I should try my hands on different genres. No offence to these people who thought of bringing the better writer in me. But then I started living my life exactly the way I hate to live. “They” might not like this blog. “They” might not approve this poem. So I lost myself worrying what “they” will think of what “I” write. But “I” liked every shit I wrote on my blog.  

People think I should interact with everyone I meet and be a social person. But then I don’t talk to everyone I meet because I have spent most of my life alone and I prefer to be with that little group I formed over years that is a very tiny set of very wonderful people that matter the most to me. Whom I can call even at 2 AM in the morning and they will be ready to listen to me. Isn’t that more worthy than having a huge gang of friends or knowing everyone but feeling absolutely lonely when you need a shoulder to lean onto? I think being in crowd and feeling lonely is better than being among the people you thought are your friends and feeling lonely.

For the past 2 years I have been totally disoriented and it is mostly because work keeps me so busy that all I do after I get back home is to talk to few friends of mine and sleep. The next day I wake up thinking of the amount of work I would have in my office and mentally preparing the to-do list. I have the thirst to grow up the career ladder which I have not had before. I started being a part of the rat race. I am not saying this is wrong but I am saying that I just don’t like to be like this because I am not this kind of person. Earlier, I made sure that I wrote at least one blog or write something on my diary just to stay connected with writing. Writing gives me the high that anything has ever given me! But these days all I could think of is work. Maybe career and growth is very important. But then I am not the person I used to be. I put writing ahead of everything else. I feel so high when I write. But these days as I write I think of the tasks that should complete at work and when I have time to write my mind goes blank.

Isn’t it bad to feel distant from the things that you loved to do once? Isn’t it pathetic to feel distant from yourself where you have reached a point that you cannot recognize yourself? How bad is it to lose trust in love? Especially, when you have been worshipping love once in your life?  When everyone else around you said that they have lost trust in love, you were the only one who said no love is still beautiful.

Then as I thought about everything that’s been happening in life I understood everything is based on the choices that we make. The choices shape our life and us into the person that we want to be. I chose work over writing and so I am unhappy but every time I chose writing over work I have not regretted it a bit. So I am going to choose writing over everything else in this world. I chose others instead of me I am unhappy but if I do what I like to do I will surely be happy because I have always been happy doing the things I like to do. I am happy with the couple of best friends I have in my life because I know they are always going to be there for me no matter how far away they are from me. From this minute, I have chosen to be me and do the things that I like to do and want to do. I tried being otherwise and it is not working for me. I have chosen to be the arrogant person that every stranger see and stay happy than to be the sweet person and torture myself! Yes! I am saying this to myself out loud and if you have any piece of advice to give me please keep it to yourself! No! Thank you.