The Pain He Left Behind

I was sitting on a metal chair that was cold due to the air conditioner, I looked around and a painting caught my eyes, it had a man’s face that was half sad and half happy, on the happier side of the man there were lot of people behind him partying and having fun while the sorrowful part of him had minimal number of people I was not able to see their faces but I understood the concept.

 A young man who passed by stood for a minute and gave me that, ‘I have seen you somewhere!’ look. I avoided him. I don’t want to be famous anymore. I don’t want to be a dancer. I cannot dance! I am not interested in dancing. I am not sure of what I am interested in anymore. Every move, every step reminded me of him. I cannot live without seeing his smile, that twinkle in eyes when he saw me on stage. My heart craved for his touch, I longed to go to back home and see him cozily sitting on that couch with his favourite book later I would throw myself in his arms and feel protected. But reality punched a hole in my heart there was nothing back there at home just emptiness and a hollow dark room! It was not even a home anymore it was just house the warmth, compassion and love it had was buried with him.

How am I going to live this life without him? And what would happen to our dance school? That was a school of our dreams! How will I manage it without him? He left me alone in this world which he always called a house of selfish and cunning people. He knows I cannot be here alone! Without him, why did he leave me? Why was life so cruel to me and God! I don’t know he always says that I shouldn’t lose faith in almighty. I hope he will send him back to me or maybe he likes him so much like everybody else and he decided to keep my Dushyant with him forever. No! Don’t do that, send him back to me or take me with you. Please! A tear rolled off my eyes.

I felt a hand on mine, she clasped my hand. All I felt was numbness. I looked at her face I couldn’t feel her care and love for me. I saw her eyes that were filled with concern. That’s what the picture meant when everybody left me I had my best friend by my side. She stayed, she cried with me and she cared for me.

‘You are up next’ a nurse informed us, stood for a minute and took a closer look at me. I tried to look away and covered my face.

‘Hey I know you. Aren’t you the famous dancer Samyukta? Oh I love your shows! I had been to couple of your live dance concerts. You are truly amazing’ She paused to breathe, ‘And I am so sorry about Dushyant! I read the newspaper’ she said.

‘Thanks!’ I tried to put a smile on my face.

‘Can I have your autograph? And oh my daughter is craving to get into your school. She always wanted to meet Dushyant. But she’s really unlucky!’ she said in a sad tone.

‘She can if she is ready to die’ I replied coldly.She looked startled with her mouth wide open. I know that was a mean reply that can earn me a punch if I weren’t a famous celebrity. But I don’t care what she thought about me or what would happen to my status anymore. I give a damn to all that hereafter. I have lost everything in my life and this was nothing. I cannot lose anything more!

‘Now if you don’t mind we are going to meet the doctor’ I said and turned my back on her.

‘Please come in’ A man in his late 20s greeted my way in. He had a charming and infectious smile. His eyes were gleaming for some reason. He is capable f impressing any woman in the first meet. He looked dignified and totally suited the profession of a doctor.

The room painted in white, at the corner of the room was a couch and a coffee table on which stood a flower vase. To the extreme left there was a table that had a prescription note, stethoscope few medicines kept in a tray, a desk calendar that had love quotes on it.

‘Would you mind staying out?’ he said Shriya. Who nodded her head and left the room. He drew his chair closer to the table and looked at me keenly. He took my case report in his hand and went through it page by page he read about me and my madness.

‘Sam, If I can call you so. A great dancer, an artist and the principal of such a popular and high standard dance school. You know I am a great fan of you. let me start with why you have stopped dancing I look forward to see you on that screen’ He said and showed the TV. I saw his nameplate and the certificates that adorned the walls of his office. I saw a photo of him hugging his mother at his desk.

‘Rohan, first of all its Samyukta and I have no idea what I am doing here! People think I have gone mad since my husband died but I chose to quit. Everything has to come to an end, just like how Dushyant’s life came to an end a month back.’ I paused to breathe.

‘I don’t want to do things that might possibly push me to kill myself and I forgot to dance. Your tablets or the meaningless sessions that you are about to start in sometime now is not going to help. I know I have to go through what I have to go through. I know he is not around and he will not be but will it hurt if I stop by and mourn for a little longer? Will the world come to a standstill if I stop putting my paintings on the exhibitions or I don’t visit my dance school? I have spent all my life dancing and entertaining the people around me and I want to spend sometime thinking of the person who played a bigger part in my life by taking care of me every single moment, understanding my needs and putting me first before his needs! This man spent almost 15 years of his life with me that from the time I started understanding what the world really is and we were married for just a year now he’s not around. I buried him, arranged for his funeral, rearranged his stuff at our house. It’s been just a month and I am expected to back to normal. That doesn’t seem normal to me. I give a damn to your psychiatric degrees and your empathy! I don’t care what you think of me but I am normal and I am not going to take up these stupid sessions offered by you because I know to lead my life better. Dushyant is a part of me and you cannot take him away from me! I hope you get it!’ I got up from my chair to leave.

‘I know Dushyant doesn’t deserve to die and I completely understand your situation. All I wanted to tell you is, this is normal and you will recover soon!’ He smiled and continued, ‘I saw an interview by Dushyant in one of the TV channels.. well… uh… it was a long time ago… but I still remember what he said when asked, “Samyukta?’ and he says.. “Aahh!! Sam” and nods his head with a broad smile on his face and then with that special sparkle on his face he continues, ‘She added that special touch to my life gave my life a completely new meaning.. Sam…. She’s the reason of my survival. She is a part of my life!”  I know how devastating it is!’ He smiled, ‘He loved you a lot and he wouldn’t prefer you let go off that dream and quit dancing.’ Pools of tears rolled down my cheeks, ‘He did not deserve death so quick. I mean he is young, he is strong! He has a family! And some drunkard hits his car and now he’s gone! He really did not deserve this end!’ Everything around me started to black out, I was hardly able to see things around me. I found it difficult to breath and I felt a pain in my chest.

Within moments I saw Dushyant standing there with his arms wide open. His smile was as blissful as ever. I smiled back and felt relieved I got up and hugged him.  This is my life, this is my world I cannot feel better anymore and my happiness is back again.