When winter is here...

I stand here at my balcony

With breeze caressing my hair and cupping my cheeks.

I close my eyes and think of you

Of all the seasons in a year, winter is the cruelest I think

It makes me realize how much I miss your warmth

Your arms around my waist, your chin on the hollow of my neck

My arms around the guitar, I play the worst tunes in the world

You are the only fan I’ve got. You are also my lifeline, do you know?

I would wait and yearn for that moment when you would kiss me

But oh! The torture of small talks and your boring little games

You would stall to make me long, just so I would make the first move

But oh my darling! You know I can be cruel. You know I can wait forever.

For I know you cannot wait and you know that is my bait

I would sing all our favourite songs and you would sing along

What magic do you have in your voice?

What sorcery you play with my mind?

Slowly and stealthily, you would pull me closer.

We would dance in the darkness and twirl around.

Close enough to feel your quick breathe on my neck

With apprehension filling my head and with heart pounding in my chest

I would lean on yours and listen to the rhythm of your heartbeat

You would lift my head by holding my chin; you would make your way to my lips

What goes on in that silly head of yours everytime I pull away when you want to kiss?

I wish I could get into your head and sit in the middle, unravel all the secrets you are hiding from me

But oh baby, if you were here right now. I would kiss you until we run out of breathe

I wouldn’t wait; I wouldn’t play your games. I would just kiss and get it over with

This distance between us and the things we could do.

Oh! This winter can’t get any crueler than this.

Dearest Dad, You should know why!

A letter to the only man who I think deserves an explanation on something very crucial atleast according to him. Maybe there are few girls who would agree with me. Maybe there will be many who think I am wrong. But here it is, a letter to my old man on one of the important decisions I have made in life.

https://theglowwormsite.wordpress.com/2016/01/14/dearest-dad-you-should-know-why/

I have moved my blog to wordpress and will be writing there going forward. Please bear with me once and follow me there, will you? :)

Bajirao Mastani - Movie Review

Recently, I had to painfully sit through one of the probably worst bollywood films I have ever seen. One more bad decision because I was depressed! Damn me! This film will likely top the list permanently because I have quit watching bollywood movies once and for all. The extravagant set, the beautiful costumes and the dresses that I would consider wearing for my wedding and... Otherwise there was nothing very remarkable about the movie. The movie is a fiction work on Bajirao Peshwa about whom I have studied during my history classes from what I remember he is one the invincible and strongest commander-in-chief. But how Sanjay Leela Bhansali chose to show him in this movie? An ordinary man who was stuck between the women he loves and a mother who will not approve any decision he makes. A man who is capable enough to rule an entire empire and march further was not aware of the traditions of his neighbouring provinces.

Ranveer singh, did complete justice to the role that he was provided with (should I mention as usual here?) Priyanka chopra while looking elegant and not particularly gorgeous had grown a bit older for Ranveer Singh. She mostly seemed like his elder sister or maybe I am still stuck with the after effects of Dil Dhadakne Do. I would prefer not to talk about Deepika Padukone because the woman has only disappointed me all the time with her acting skills or the lack of it. Why and how does she always manage to keep a face that is very suitable for a funeral? It seems like she just attended one everytime in most of her movies. Someone should remind her of the fact that she is an actress and not just a model and one of the things that are expected of her apart from looking pretty as a doll is to act. Maybe we should move on from her because I don’t know about others but I am getting a tad bit bored of seeing her in all the movies bringing the same face and hairstyle over and over. I would love to see some fresh faces, faces that could act. Bajirao’s mother, Tanvi Azmi on the other hand reminded me of Leela’s mother, Supriya Pathak from Ram-leela, only that Supriya Pathak was really threatening and commanding for her role.  

Now, that I have ranted my heart out of the main actors. The plot itself reminded me of another Ram-leela except that Deepika is the mistress this time. However, Ranveer continues to fight with his family to accept her as their own, duh! And they both die towards the end only that in Ram-leela I didn’t know Deepika also got shot because she didn’t react at all! It is highly torturous and annoying (apart from the movie itself) to see Mastani accept to every stupid condition posed by Bajirao if she decides to live with him. A man who constantly abandons her by putting his own and his wife’s needs ahead of her irked the feminist in me!

The dialogues were very pleasing and romantic and oozed love out of it. While deepika failed to deliver it, we could atleast get the sense of the beauty in those love struck words. The songs weren’t impressive. What’s the deal with this Pinga song? Inspite of constant disappointment for nearly one and a half hour I had my hopes high for this song. But when the song finally came up I went like, “Come on!” They did not compare this song with Devdas, Madhuri and Aishwarya from Dola re! Trust me, there was nothing great about this song and it is an insult to that song that they actually compared this one with that! It’s sad how they portrayed Bajirao towards the climax , like he’s gone absolutely mad because he couldn’t get to his mistress. (I really loved Peshwa when I was a kid.)

Half an hour through the movie and I decided that I have grown too old for movies like this because I am highly intolerant to repetitive plots, gorgeous doll faced actors who cannot act to save their lives and movies that make absolutely no sense. As bad luck had it, I didn’t get my pop corn because of the long, unwinding queues and the staffs that cannot take orders properly. If you are in Chennai, please, please don’t go to Palazzo at the forum mall, you might die of suffocation!

So, what was the take away from the movie?

Stop watching bollywood movies and do not waste the money on movies that you can use to buy delicious food! Food!!

The Night

The bright stars above the dark sky

The gleaming lights on the streets at night

With the cold winds singing the ears

The lovers cuddle and share a kiss

The children tuck down in their blankets

The old ones mutter a prayer

The crickets chirp their familiar tune

As the number of grunting motors go down

A pair of gloomy eyes wandered around

The misty surrounding, the dew drops falling

And out comes the darkness behind the veil

Creepily and stealthily, sheltering the evil

And the silence looms around longer than expected

Thus beginning the evil's clock!

Stand and Fight or Shut Up!

Dear Aamir Khan,

I have always considered you to be the no-nonsense guy. But you made me reconsider that decision when you got into the mud and joined the pigs over the “I am the superstar” fight. I have always respected you for the movies you make, for Satyameva Jayate (although I ignore the fact that you compel people to cry with your acting skills).

This morning I read an interview by you where you have mentioned that your wife wants to move out of the country because she thinks it is not safe for her child in India. I do not have great respect for your wife and have always considered her to be an idiot. Congratulations on joining her in being an idiot.

No offence or maybe I mean to offend you, either way I have few things to ask you. Why do Indian celebrities or Indians in general, especially people like you and Shahrukh Khan think it is a prestigious thing to get humiliated by a foreigner? Why are you such cheap attention seekers? Go there, get insulted, come back and make a drama. Every single time you enter US, they know who you are and what you do in India but they humiliate you at the immigration just because you have a Muslim name. It appalls me that you don’t want to change that impression about you there but want to leave the country where you are celebrated.

Is your wife so dumb to realize that she is in a nation where both you and she can make a difference? Where you can convey a message and it will actually have an impact on the people? Did you see a video that was shot immediately after the Paris attacks?

A kid tells the journalist that they should move out of France because there are armed men here to which the father says that they cannot leave France because France is their home. He is a simple father of a child that is the age of your own child. He is not a celebrity like you. He didn’t want to leave inspite of the possibility that his child might suffer trauma because of what he saw. He wanted to stay and fight. He didn’t want to leave his home.

What happened to your patriotism? Is satyameva Jayate only for the sake of media? A show that will gain you popularity, is that what it is? Why are you supporting people who are returning their awards? What will it actually do to the nation, to the poor, the flooded roads in Chennai or anything? How will it make a difference to a common man? Can you please explain? I am asking you because you are supporting them.

You make big talks that there is no Muslim terrorist/Hindu Terrorist but only terrorists, can you make people realize it? The world realize it? Especially the countries that slap you with the label “Muslim” and put you through humiliation in the name of checking. Don’t tell us that you are going to run like a coward and don’t show your child as an excuse. You are a bad example to him. Be ashamed of it!
Please teach your child to be strong for him, his family and his country not run away because something trivial happens here. Ask your wife to read about how immigrant mothers or mothers in general lose their children to ISIS. Does she read much? I am asking this because she still believes somewhere is safe. Teach him righteousness, virtue and to fight against the evil. Teach him to be strong and stand up for what is right and what he believes in. Teach him what you tell us in the movies or your satyameva jayate, I won’t bother watching them anymore.

And if possible, keep your wife away from your child because she is teaching him the wrong things like run away if there is a problem. She wants to go to a place that is safe, please tell me where is safe?

You are a hero and sadly in a country like India what a celebrity says make a difference. So, try to make a difference or shut up. Don’t create this foot in the mouth moments for yourself.
Maybe Arvind Kejriwal feels proud of what you spoke. God knows what he felt was amazing about what you spoke but just in case no one told you, a celebrity fighting to eradicate the issues of a country claiming to leave the country is pure hypocrisy. This is intolerance according to me. Now tell me, why do you want to leave your home? What do you call a man who is running away from his family or home because he wants to be safe?

An upset fan who is not your fan anymore.

The dilemma

More broken you are than I am

More torn up your soul than mine

More love you have than me

Less realization you do than I

More distance I put between us

The closer you get and make a fuss

More I run and hide from you

Faster you find and trap me in

Farther I go so you won't come

Faster you come and smile at me

A weakness I will regret for life

You rip my soul and mend it again

You make my life so unstable

Happiness is what I prefer over you

I hide, I run, I cringe and scream

It hurts to stay and it hurts to smile

You don’t see my heart oozing blood

Go away and never come back

For life is once and I can’t cry anymore

I can’t beg and I won’t lie

You are the be all and end all of my life

Come here and stay with me

But make a promise to make me smile

Come in the night and cuddle with me

Swear to me that I can see your eyes in the daylight

Come here and love me

Kiss me like you mean it and Love me like it’s not lust

No! No! I don’t want you to come

For what’s stake is my happiness

So, go away and never come back

Until you can love me like you did

Go away and never come back

Even if you can love me like you did.

Go away and never come back

So I can experience happiness

Go away and never come back

For I prefer being happy over you!

I am an alien!

Dear Humans,

I wait at the queue in a departmental store and the queue doesn’t seem to move for a long time. Then I see this woman running around picking stuff and dropping it at the trolley by the billing counter. This kept going on for a while and I lost patience. I asked the lady at the counter what was going on and it seems like this woman who is running around like a headless chicken has forgotten few things which she is picking up now while we wait for the princess to be done. I pushed the trolley aside and asked the lady to bill my stuff. Immediately, this woman came running claiming her position in the queue. I told her that she can finish her shopping and get back to billing. She seemed extremely offended and picked a fight with me. Noone who waited in the queue supported me. I know I was not wrong. But apparently, I was told that I am the indecent person.  Somehow people always find pleasure in bypassing a queue. Is this lack of patience or common sense or should I say arrogance? And the people who waited in the queue before me why haven’t they stood up for themselves?

I am writing this letter to solemnly swear that I am an alien stuck in this planet. I don’t remember what happened and why I was left behind but I hope my extended family and friends miss me and send a search crew to find me because I cannot live in this world anymore. A world where man slaughters man and calls it survival of the fittest. A place where I cannot live life the way I want to without being judged. I cannot take this pressure of pleasing the strangers I don’t even care exist. A world filled with lust, hatred, and hypocrisy.

This is not the world I remember and I don’t want to live in this planet anymore because many men believe that they live in a feminist world and women think most of the men are misogynist. We live in a world where we speak a lot about equality but women always get run over or side tracked by men on the road because they don’t like women overtaking them and women expect to get special privileges over men because she is a woman. We talk about not judging people but cannot stop wondering why the girl next door comes late and why a man drops her everyday. We fail to understand the fact that being gay is not a choice. We constantly say, “Live and let live” but we do not approve what others want to do with their lives. A society that constantly expects an individual to seek their approval before doing something. Where vegetarians constantly justify why being one is perfectly normal and why not being is a sin. While non-vegetarians constantly bully vegetarians saying we kill the plants like they kill animals. It is food for God’s sake and just eat whatever you feel is appetizing!

A place where killing a fellow human being for war or their own purpose is perfectly alright. Countries and a council that call punishing someone who shattered the lives of people barbaric while they fail to think of how barbaric these assailants were! Where fair talk is only a myth. Where religion of our choice has become a crime while selling it or killing people who don’t want to follow that religion has becomenormal.

This is a place where accepting the fact that you love someone is always misused and taken advantage of. When a man says a woman that he is love in with her or when a woman says a man that she is in love with him, most of the times the other person takes advantage of it. People love unambiguity even if it makes them want to break their head. Where humans don’t respect each other, where they are ready to slaughter their self-respect in the name of love. Where the beautiful feeling called love is raped in to satisfy lust!

This is a planet where social media decides the beauty of a person. Where nothing is private and nothing can be hidden from the outside world. Where I think I am constantly monitored by a thousand eyes, scrutinizing every detail of my life because they can. This is a world where I don’t have a place to hide in my own house. Where mobile phones took over humans sitting opposite to us. Where you are constantly expected to be available inspite of your shortcomings. A place where you have to push your friends and loved ones aside to come up the ladder because survival of the fittest!

This is not the world I know. This is not the world I used to live-in. In my world, there was peace and there was love. There was no social media and I was not constantly craving for likes and opinions to regain my self-esteem. I did not beg people to stay in my life because I didn’t have to. They were not acting or playing around for their benefits. They were them and I was me our world met at one point where we met whenever we could.

Yours truly,

A Frustrated Outcast!

P.S: Just in case you are wondering, No, I am not available for research!

The Rise and Fall of a Writer

What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear or see Chetan Bhagat? A man who writes stuff about IIT, things (not) to do in IIT, girls, boy issues, s**, s**, s**, and more s** and beeeeeeeeppp. My best friend is not a reader. If you take him to a bookstore he will carry your bags and stand in a corner with the security guard but I saw him indulging himself in one of the books written by Chetan Bhagat. It was The three mistakes of my life, I guess. I was just staring at him in surprise. He told me that he is not reading the book per se, apparently he’s read all the books written by Chetan Bhagat and he is just looking for the erotic stuff in it. “This guy is great at emphasizing that” exactly what he told me. There you go, a very good reason for a non-reader to read! Now, you cannot deny the fact that most of you have read at least one book by him, atleast glanced as you walked along the bookstore.

I am a member of Chetan’s Bhagat’s Facebook page. I had liked the page many years ago. For the past few months, whatever update this man posts all I see is hate comments. I like to read the comments on a post it gives you a perspective on other’s perspective (In other words, I must get a life that’s interesting). They ask him to stop writing, stop judging dance shows, stop writing scripts. But what if the man actually likes to do these things? While I agree that his books are not great and well aware of the fact that we are in a democratic, free nation where we can express what we feel, we do not have the rights to bash a person like this. It all started when the writer meddled himself up with Aamir Khan for 3 idiots. He changed his statement on and off mostly because I think he didn’t want to be a part of any controversy. He then made a mistake of writing Revolution 2020 I have absolutely no idea what he was thinking when he wrote it. It is a huge disappointment. Now he’s written another book, “Making India Awesome” I don’t know how it is and believe I will never know. When this update was posted on his facebook page the hate comments started pouring in and when I noticed the pattern it was normally based on the previous comments few people didn’t even bother to change the words. They then ask him not to judge dance shows. Tell me something, in India can you tell me one program where you can see a judge who has in depth knowledge in what they are judging? Actors judge cookery shows, they always win a crore in crorepati. Now the funniest part is that the same actor who won a crore would have blabbered nonsense in another interview. Suddenly when she entered the sets of crorepati she is enlightened with all the knowledge in the world. How does that happen? But we don’t care about it we still sit and watch these shows. Then a writer judges a dance show and all hell breaks loose! What is wrong with you people? The writer personally wrote a message saying these comments disturb him and I do understand how it feels to be trashed on a forum like that.

I like him. He changed Indian writing and like I said he made non-readers read whatsoever the reason. He has a good sense of humour and he respects women. I have respect for this man because when most of the men of this generation stick their tail between their legs and run behind their mothers this man stood up to the girl he loved and married her. I have read his books. I liked the books one night at the call center and 2 states. But will I read his books again? Now? No! Because they are just not my pick. Plus, I like to see a writer evolve out of his first book. There was a time when I saw 2 states on the stands I was the first to run and grab it. Honestly, that was one of the happiest moments of my life. Will I do that now? No! I wouldn’t risk investing my time or money on his books. I expect quality and something that will make me feel refreshed. I don’t want IIT, love, mess ups and s** everytime I read a book. I have moved on. But I won’t sham him in public or post hate comments on his facebook page or anything of that sort. I will simply not read his books.

All said and done, I think the country will be a better place to live in if we have a reason behind the hatred, if we think before we talk, if we don’t blindly follow a man’s word. You like it or not, he’s set a trend and I can name authors whose books after reading, I seriously considered writing to them asking for a refund followed his footsteps only to fail miserably. Oh wait! They have a fan following too. Their books scream “I want to be Chetan Bhagat too” through and through. Maybe he doesn’t interest a set of people anymore. But there are folks who still love him. I have written an e-mail to him appreciating him. In the e-mail I told him that I want to be a writer someday. I got a response the next day itself and he wished me luck for becoming a writer. I know writers who make a mockery of those who want to be writers. “Everyone wants to be a writer these days” exactly what they say.

I think this man deserves respect more than anything else. You loved him once and now you hate him fine, but why hate someone you don’t even know? Think! If you hate him for being civil you are a moron. If you hate him because everybody else hates him, again, you are a moron. If you think his job is to write and he cannot judge dance shows. Well, then I think you should stick to your profession alone and not take up any other activity even if you get paid for it because your job is to do what you are doing now. If you do not prefer his books anymore, leave the book and the man alone. More importantly, un-like his Facebook page and save your time! 

The man

I heard his muffled footsteps on the staircase. He was coming to me, he was looking for me. I am controlling the impulse to bolt the door because it’s important not be disturbed because I am reading. I am reading my favourite novel, “The time traveller’s wife”. But here he is standing infront of me with his huge belly. I would never prefer having a man like that on my bed. He is drunk and clenching a cigarette carelessly in between his lips. He shuffled closer to me I sat there looking at him steadily, loathing my fate yet again for the 100^th time that day. Oh no no, I have not had 100 men in a day. That would tear me off, literally! He fell and I smile at my own joke. The timing was impeccable. “What are you smiling at? You slut” He asked. I smiled again. It only irritated him more. The smell of sweat and alcohol filled my room. How I wish I could get rid of him. I sigh when he almost fell over me and started kissing me on my lips, neck and everywhere possible. The smell of him was disgusting. I wanted to puke but no, I need him, I need the money and so I stay. I stay as his huge belly gets on top of me and presses my body. I feel the heaviness and the pain. And there we were done. He did not even remove my clothes and he was getting ready to leave. I lay there on the bed the pain still not gone. A drop of tear rolling down my eyes as I see the silhouette of the huge figure leave my room cussing how boring it was. I laugh at my fate now, mostly at his words.

I have had all kinds of men the ones who want me on the top, the ones who just want to play with me but not the actual sex, the ones who would just ask me to strip and masturbate and then the ones who would masturbate on me. I have had the kinds who just want to talk how they would do me. I have had men who come but do nothing, they watch me remove my clothes and want me to sit naked infront of them as they talk about life. How I wish I had a man who would change this for me! I wonder if there would be someone who would do this. I wish I had a man who would come to my room and change the meaning of sex for me. Who would rid me of the pain and show me the path to ecstasy, the elixir. Where do I go find a man like that? Now, I don’t have the luxury to be choosy here. Afterall, it’s my living. Like the huge bellied man called me, I am a slut. I sleep with men for a living. I take it when they physically abuse me and pay me more. I take it when they hurt me and pay me more. I have to act like I like it when they exploit my body and my feelings because they pay me more! The house pays me more when I strip infront of 100 men in the room. They bid on almost 500 women who stay in the house making a living out of prostitution. Men still get to choose who they want to be with. They have an upperhand in everything. They can hurt us and simply pay more. And there is a part of the world that is screaming for equality while there is another that is debating that we have already secured it. Funny isn’t it?

Oh! I said I have had all kinds of men, haven’t you started guessing my age yet? You wouldn’t! You are busy concentrating on the indelicate parts of this narration. You are concentrating on the words that would arouse you! Why do you care about the age of the woman who is writing it? But I am still going to go ahead and tell you my age. I am at the age where every woman craves to feel a man inside of her, where she is curious to explore the parts of a man, to know what excites him, to know what turns him on, to know what makes him moan. I am at the age where hot men turn women on. Where women can make a man follow her like a puppy and make him dance to her tunes! Actually, my mother says a woman is capable of doing anything. How ignorant of her! In my world, men are capable of anything. They can make or break my world. If they think I am boring, ugly, not interesting or uncooperative I am out of the game. In my world, if I am quick, witty, and brainy or have a mind of my own I am out of the game. Do you even know a world like mine exist?

I did meet a man I fell in love with. Oh! How stupid of me to fall in love? I must be mad to say things like this. But I did fall in love. He had come to the house one day. He thought I have beautiful deep dark eyes like the black hole. I don’t know what that meant. But I liked the fact that he felt that there is something mysterious about my eyes and he loved my long tresses. He said, he would love to hide under the shelter of those long tresses. Oh well, he was flirting with me. Men rarely flirt with me like this. It was subtle. I smiled and he smiled too. I asked him what he liked to do and he said he just wanted to talk. Now, I have come across such men too. Oh! The chatting type. I tell him. He guffaws and holds my hand. What do you want to do? He asked. I looked at him surprised. He returned the same surprised look. I smiled and said, ‘If you want to chat I want to chat too, if you want to kiss, I can kiss, if you want me to remove...’ he placed his long, slender index finger on my lips and shook his head.

‘I asked what do you want to do?’ he smiled again and held my hand.

My stomach lurched and I was surprised by that question. Noone respected me as much! I have not met a man like him. I told him that I want to talk too, that I want to know more about him. He told me that he was a software Engineer who lived across the street and that he sees me every evening sitting by the balcony reading books. ‘I love books too. They are my companions. I have a huge library at home. You should come see someday’ he said inspecting the room and the bookshelf sitting in one corner.

‘Are you allowed to come out of this dungeon?’ he asked looking around.

‘No. Although I wish there was a way. I want to see this world’ I told him hoping against hope that he would take me out of this place.

‘hmmm...The kite runner, And the mountains echoed, The book thief, Kafka... wow! You’ve got quite some taste’ he said running his slender, manly fingers through the spine of the books.

‘Why are you here?’ I asked bluntly trying to tie my hair.

‘Don’t’ he signalled me to stop. ‘I paid to spend this night with you and you are supposed to listen to me so don’t tie your hair’ he said and I laughed. He came closer and my heart stopped for a tiny second. He sat facing me looking at my face without blinking. Light brown eyes, lengthy eye lashes, pink lips, sharp nose, a couple strands from his hair dangled over his forehead, his broad shoulders and chest, he was very handsome but... ‘Oh my God!’ I yelped as he came closer to kiss me.

‘What?’ he looked startled.

‘You are gay, aren’t you?’

‘what?’ he looked puzzled!

‘You are gay!’ I asked holding his shoulders only to see him laugh hysterically. He laughed for a good 5 minutes embarrassing me. I admired him.

‘You look gorgeous when you are confused, do you know that?’ he asked moving a strand of hair from my cheeks. I blushed and felt it. A man, the man who made me blush! He told me that he loved to play with the codes, pages and pages of complex codes that are used to build various products that is used in various places to do various things. He spoke about his parents, his brother and his ex girlfriend. He told me how they broke up and tears filled his eyes. I asked him what I could do to make him feel better and he asked me to just sit with him, holding his hand. I did. He held my hand tight and told me that he had a passion for music and his guitar was his life but how much his father hated him playing guitar. He said he is a rebel and showed me a tattoo that read “Freedom” He asked about me and what I liked. He did not ask me how I ended up here or why. He asked me about my family. We spoke about everything under the sky he liked most of the things I did. The silence of the night, it’s darkness, the sky, the beautiful stars, the rain and a hot cup of coffee. He told me that he loved long bike rides and that he would take me on rides. How I wish!

He told me that he could paint and showed me his paintings on his mobile phone. He showed a portrait of me sitting in the balcony reading a book. He then showed many portraits of me smiling, crying, waiting, anticipating the expressions on face differed from one portrait to other. For a minute, I thought he was a magician. I was astonished and ran out of words. ‘I look beautiful’ I smiled.

‘I started drawing you to pass my time and then I think I eventually fell in love with you. Do you want to come with me?’ he asked me casually tucking his phone in the back pocket of his jeans. I laughed. I laughed and then I cried and laughed again. He looked confused.

I knew I was falling in love with him. How silly of me to fall in love with a normal person. He is from an upper middle class family with a proper upbringing while I was pushed into this business to beat poverty. I lost my parents to fate and famine. I lost myself here and now I am losing myself to him. As night fell and dawn set in. He pulled me closer and kissed my lips that many men have kissed a million times. But this kiss felt different. This kiss had passion, longing and...love in it. Was this even happening? I tried to wake up but no I was awake. I heard the door being knocked. We looked at the door. It was time for him to leave.

‘Will you come with me?’ he asked me holding my hands.

‘I am...you know who I am!’ I said my tears brimming my eyes.

‘I do and I want you to be with me, as my wife! I am sure about this.’ He said and the knock at the door became louder.

‘I belong here not with you. Your family will not accept me. I don’t even know you.’ I cried trying to smile.

‘You don’t belong here and I know it. You know it too. Let’s talk as individuals first! Come with me! I promise you. I can give you a better life!’ he pleaded. I ran and opened the door.

He stood there breathing heavily. I was not sure if it was anger or sadness. He looked me in the eyes as I lowered my gaze to the floor. ‘I will come back’ he said as he left the room. I shut the door immediately. My heart racing him to follow him like a puppy, my mind asking me to calm down I stood there torn apart hoping he would come again. I ran to the balcony and saw him leaving the house as he turned to see me I looked at him. He smiled and waved to him. I smiled. I will come back he mouthed. I was not sure if he will come back but I knew he fulfilled my wish. I finally met the man! 

I am OLD and Single!

I chose “old” and single as a topic because in a country like ours, being in late 20s is old unless you are Rahul Gandhi and being single when you are old is a sin even Rahul Gandhi was not spared (I am glad!) The potential problems we lot face is just unexplainable (I have come to fall in love with the word potential because of my old manager. That’s for another day). The older generation cannot understand why I am still single when I am already too “old” to bear children? Why I am hanging out with so many men late at night when I should be hanging out with my husband? Why I plan on solo travelling and other crazy things when I should actually be running behind my kids and taking care of my husband. Then comes our generation who thinks that best friend I am going out with or tag on facebook is a boyfriend of mine. That I should keep an open mind and many such annoying things.

Here’s a fact, I don’t want to be single and I don’t want to compromise either. It’s complicated; deal with it or how about “It’s none of your fucking business”. So here I am sitting and hatching eggs while the right person comes along (or got hit by a truck). Growing old as I stay single has its side effects. I am losing my mojo! I have lost interest in flirting or should I say lame flirting? This is how my flirting sessions go -

Hi!

Hi!

What’s up?

This one throws me off; call me old fashioned or an idiot but this question is really vague in all sense. What’s up? Ceiling, sky, fan, light and many things (I am letting your imagination work here) but seriously, what’s up? I blink for a good 5 mins and type –

‘Nothing much. Going on’ I asked some of my good friends who understand my dumbness on what I should reply to what’s up? They said I can tell how my life is and how things are going on in general. So ok, my answer is appropriate. Then –

How are you?

I thought I just said what’s up!

Yes but how are you?

OK, I cannot handle this. I stop responding. I honestly feel I am not made for small talks. If, what’s up and how are you and howdy are the same why are you asking them in 3 different ways? Clearly, you don’t know how to take a conversation or I don’t know how to answer the same question in 3 different ways. Sometimes when I am too bored or in a good mood, I take control and ask about their interests most of the times it is uninteresting (Watching TV or internet – that’s vague (again)) or something vague (again and again!) Plus, watching TV or internet is not an interest! So anyway, few of my friends ask me to be less of an ass so I pick watching TV and ask about movies and series I watch. Most of the times, they have no idea what I am talking about (and they call themselves a book worm or a movie buff!). So to bridge the difference, I again let them take the lead and they come up with, “So what are you doing?” Well, I am doing a lot of things now but mostly stuck with you and looking for ways to get rid of you. I stop replying and conveniently move the person to my friend’s zone. Honestly, in my defense, I will not get offended if the man does the same to me, to each his own.

Then there is this matrimonial site. For 7 years now, I am not able to solve the mystery of what traditional with a modern bend or down to earth yet open minded mean. How are down to earth and open-minded related? In between,

Hello, men! You are annoyed with us giving preferences. I would like to tell you that we are super annoyed with your vague statements like above and Height – 5 feet 2 inches to 5 feet 5 inches, weight – 50 -65 Kgs, Job – Must, should have completed MBA or hold a Master degree (frankly, I would prefer holding something else (pardon my perverted mind!)) Should be willing to contribute to my housing loan (So you couldn’t take another loan to pay your housing loan and decided to get married) now what are these? Are they not preferences? Oh right, you are men! I forgot.

I have had matrimonial requests from men who are 56, beat that. That was when my mother decided to delete my profile from the site (Thank God! You proved your existence. Finally!) Then there are these utterly shameless men who always think that I am single so obviously assume that I am easy and available. And then I have deal with men at work and everywhere else who always see me as a prospective bride or again naturally assume that I am available for sex. I tried an experiment and told these men that I am committed and they all stopped talking to me (speak of decent men and friendship, meh!).

To all those useless people who asked me to try the dating sites. I am sure you would have used those too and I tried it too because friends! So now that I have tried and tested it, I want to ask these people who use it only one innocent question, “Seriously, have you ever considered getting a fucking life?” Let me break the bubble for you, you are not going to meet your soulmate there, you are not going to meet a decent soul there forget soulmate (If I have hurt your feelings, I deeply apologize but screw these dating sites and go do something useful!) I came across so many sex-deprived men there. I couldn’t handle for more than 2 hours.

So, here are the facts out on the table. I have laid it off neatly for you to know. I am going through a lot as a woman who is single at this age. I am love deprived and sometimes (read all the time) crave for a man who will be by my side thinking of ways to put up with my craziness and love me for what I am (I am assuming he did not get aborted in the womb, that will make me sad and put in depression for the rest of my life. But you get the point and I will try to be an optimist.). I don’t want him to see me as a bank that will pay his personal loan or someone who will serve his parents or someone who will be that traditional Indian bahu! I just cannot be! And I can be old and single and crazy but I cannot be old and married and boring. I will break the wedding and ask the man to fuck off because I have very low tolerance, wait… no tolerance at all to bullshit and boredom. So I am asking you nicely to mind your business and I am very rarely nice in this regard!

What happens if I am going to die in a year?

I am superstitious. Ummm.. well, I am basically cat on the wall. There was a time when I didn’t believe in these things and then came a time where I was forced to believe in superstition because the incidents that happened in my life made me believe it. Whenever someone tells me that they want to die or wonder how it is to die I ask them to shut up. I think it shouldn’t be told because you never know. There have been times when I think what if I die tomorrow? How will my friends react to it? Will the person I am dating right now think he missed someone awesome in life or will he be relieved? Will he start dating another girl immediately? (If he does I will haunt him as a ghost) You know... Stuff like that. Anyway, stop judging me now and read on.

So, if I had only a year to die what will I do? What will anybody do? Try to fulfil all their wishes, tick everything on their wishlist. I am sure they will get all emotional and cry. I know I will do that too. Actually I will cry so much and rant so much that my friends would wish they could die before me. But I don’t want to get too mushy!  Once I complained my best friend that he never asks me about my life. He told me, “All I had to do is say a “hi” and the entire set of events that happened in the time we didn’t talk will be infront of me. Thankfully you don’t know about your past birth otherwise I cannot imagine my pathetic situation” When I am going to die he cannot complain because I am good at blackmailing and emotionally torturing people. So here is my golden opportunity. I will torture him everyday (which I already do. But it will be a privilege to), every minute of the time I have to live L

I will hitchhike to Ladakh, Sikkim and Kashmir with my pretty, loveliest girlfriend who asked me to write this topic. (Disclaimer: I am not a lesbian and I can vouch for her as well). I might probably get my lazy ass out of the couch and start writing my novel and get it published. Then throw it on the face of everyone who criticized me and the way I write, like choke on my novel! I will use my sorry state to gain sympathy and meet all my favourite people in the planet. OK, before that I will make all my friends fly down to Chennai and spend a weekend with me. I have few hot friends who are single in both genders so they can find their matches in the get together. How benevolent of me!! (Now I know you guys wish I die! I won’t!) So then I will publish a message on social media sites for Benedict Cumberbatch and Jensen Ackles saying I have only a year to die and would love to meet them and spend a day with them L I am sure it will work!! :D  

I am selfish and if I am going to die in a year I will take all the money I have saved so far and spend them on travel. I will get dead drunk and call all the assholes I have met in my life one after another. I will use the choicest abuses to scold them and probably the entire generation for creating a disgrace like the assholes. I will go on a bike ride to some far away land with my favourite person where its’s only me and him and our feelings. I will ask people to speak the truth at least now because I am going to die and I don’t want them to speak stuff over my grave. Sadly, I won’t have a grave and I have donated my organs. Chances are that, I might not be able to hear you. Trust me, if you don’t say it when I am alive and even think of it when I am dead I will come and haunt you in your sleep!

As I write this, I think knowing that you will die after a year is not such a bad thing (kidding). I can get my friends to stop reminding me how demanding, stubborn and annoying I could be at times. I can make them be with me when I don’t want to let them go. I can meet Benedict Cumberbatch (What an optimist I am!) and basically get everything I want and make people smile because no matter, what a pain in ass I am I know my friends will miss me badly after I die. Afterall, who can talk for hours together and not bore you? :P Though I wish it never happens and you all have to put up with me for years to come. I love your faces when you are irritated with me! :P

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

-          Robert Frost

The answers my love!

A love built on trust and hope

You and me in a cloud of dreams

I hold your hand and grin ear to ear

A feeling of conquering the world

I am in love, to the world I scream

Your little lies, your hidden love

You joke around, I catch you long

To be with me and feel my love

Blithe and mirthful I tell you how

It isn't so hard to read my own mind

It's you and me in a cloud of dreams

I read your mind and your love for me

You ask me how, I was careful you say

I chuckle playfully, you wince defeated

You would have left me dying in pain

You wouldn’t be around if otherwise

But here you are looking for answers

The answers you already know

Stop waiting for it is going to be in vain

I have stolen your heart and locked in a box

A box I have locked in my heart

My heart to which you are the key

A letter to my love

 Dear love,

I have been meaning to write to you for quite sometime. I apologize for ignoring you every now and then while I was caught up with various other things that were unimportant yet seemed so important at that moment. I remember you sitting in a corner yearning for me to come back to you, to hold you in my hand, to relieve you from the hold of the mark. The first time we met it was a small library at the end of my locality. The smell of old papers was so addictive. I sat there every evening travelling from one world to another, knowing great people to those who did not exist but I lived among them watching them laugh and cry, break hearts and conquer the world. I felt empty when you weren’t around me. Such is our relationship. We have come a long way from what we used to be. It is not easy to leave you behind for the guilt with kill me and separation will rip my soul apart.

When I was returning home today I decided that it is going to be just you and me. I will spend all the time I have with you – Just you and me in a room, the lamp, the glasses, the artificial cooling and the words. I did. I have already spent 3 hours with you and the world seems so surreal now. When our eyes locked the world was oblivious. You seduce and take me to places so deep and dark, profound and enlightening. You taught me how to love and play with words. You taught me how to write in a way that will make people fall in love with my words. Everything seems to heal the moment I reach home and take you in my hand.

When you are with me I walk on a thin line which I always slip and fall into a world so magnificent. I meet different people and get to know about the lives they lived. When my friends tell me that I am an Alice in wonderland I blame you because you were the one who taught me about fairylands. I want to have a huge room filled with you. To float in your scent, to swim in your words, to travel worlds with you and get lost in your tales , to cherish your presence and feel ecstatic every minute will be a dream come true.

You are a part of my life. You are a part of me. I am what I am today because of you. I make new friends because of you. I talk to the men I like because I know you. No matter where I go, I will always come back to you. You never make me feel alone and you always make me feel special and eternally grateful to you for that. I love you and I will never stop loving you.

From,

A person who is doped in your love and never wants to recover!

A tale with the stars

Constellation, Shooting stars, star wars, starship troopers, The fault in our stars these are few things that comes to my mind when I think of stars. I am not much of a star gazer, umm I am modifying that statement a bit, I am not a star gazer. I don’t care they exist just like they don’t care I do or maybe they do. I love the moon though. I stand in my terrace and stare at the moon for hours. Coming back to stars because I am determined to talk about them today, aren’t they cute little, shiny things in the sky. They are like these stones in a dress, diamonds in a necklace. They remind me that no matter how dark the times are one should not lose their glitter for that’s who they are! The first time when I read about constellation I was eager to connect the stars and see the kite and the polar bear. I dragged my mom up to the terrace and we connected the stars. I did that every night afterwards until I got bored which was pretty quickly.

I had a best friend in school. I am horrible at staying in touch with people so obviously we are not in touch anymore. But when we were the closest, thickest friend in the planet she tells me, “look at the star and make a wish, if it shines brighter your wish will be granted” (I always tell her that’s BS) She is a girl who believed in fairy tales, wonderland and many such things. Eventually we started believing in them together. I still believe in those not sure about her though. They say marriage changes a person. Nevermind, back to those shiny little ones.

 So, I had a huge crush on this guy at school. We Kept looking at each other at every given chance. We align our desks in a way that we can look at each other whenever we want to. It was pretty obvious that he was interested in me. Everytime he saw me my heart would skip more than 10 beats (I am not exaggerating), it thumps out like they show in these cartoons. Oh! The butterflies in my stomach flutter their wings and fly up to my throat making me feel funny. But I loved the way it made me feel. Now, I realise its dopamine, meh! Nevertheless, it was a beautiful feeling then.

So, after 3 months of continuous staring sessions he picked the courage to come and talk to me. He called me for a chat near a park at my locality. We didn’t have coffee shops then and the kids didn’t carry a lot of money (atleast we didn’t). He told me to come after sunset. It made me suspicious but anyway I went (You know girls!) The park was situated surrounding a water tank that supplies water to the entire town. It was quite higher than the ground level. When we went upto the tank the wind blew stronger and we sat next to each other at a comfortable distance. Silence filled the air and thickened with every passing minute. ‘I love this place’ he said finally. I smiled at him. He had beautiful skin, his glasses shined from the street lights, the long eyebrows and calm brown eyes, wind ruffled its fingers through his thick, straight hair. I was in love and I wouldn’t have cared even if he said that he loved the gutter or my chemistry teacher (Oh! I detested that wretch). I would have still smiled. I realised after few seconds that we were just plainly looking at each other. ‘Why?’ I asked as I stumbled over my own words. ‘Well, because it is quiet, lonely and you see..’ he pointed towards the sky. ‘those little glittery things in the sky?’ He laid over the cement surface of the tank still looking at the sky, ‘I love to see them for hours and hours’ Silence again. I just looked at the sky for a brief minute and looked at him again. It wasn’t easy to keep my eyes off him.

‘What’s with them?’ I asked.

‘Aren’t they celestial?’ he smiled. ‘Look...’ he pulled me closer and wrapped his arm around my shoulder like he’s known me for years. I was only a breath away from him. My heart jumped and sat infront of me, gathered it’s legs and wrapped it’s arm around it and batted it’s eyes. I calmed my breath down as he continued, ‘See that big bright star right there?’ he asked pointing at a star that was bigger than the rest. ‘That’s my brother’ He said.

‘What?’ I guffawed bewildered. There was silence long enough to make me feel like an idiot. 

‘Well, he passed away a couple of years back. So one day I was sitting right here crying, missing him. This one shined brighter than the others. I thought he was communicating to me. That’s him!’ He broke the silence again. His eyes were moist. I leaned on his shoulder.

‘Look, there is a smaller star right next to your brother. Looks like, he found a girlfriend too! Say hi!’ I said after sometime. I was in heaven! He laughed and his eyes shined brighter than the stars.

Among various things that this amazing guy taught me he told me that the people who leave us, whom we cannot be with anymore are in the form of stars. They shine brighter everytime we miss them. They don’t die, they simply become stars. Otherwise, I don’t care they exist!

Keep glittering! Live on J

Before and After

The sweet whispers

The sensuous kisses

Your unconditional love

A diary full of broken stories

An incomplete poem

A page smudged of tears

A chapter of us together

I wish it strolled for pages

But here it ends, here it ends

Coz you didn't break my heart

But ripped my soul!

You didn't break the promises

But tore who I am

Now, there is a before and after to me

The before died and the after dying

To the dog lovers

Disclaimer: An incident that happened this morning made me write this blog. An old lady was chased by a lab while the owner kept saying he (the dog) won’t do anything. The old woman was afraid anyway and I understand her. With that being said, this blog is blunt and rude. Read at your own expense and don’t blame me for hurting your little dog-loving heart.

Hello Dog Lovers,

For years now, you have been tormenting us with your “If you hate my dog, I hate you” posts. But I don’t really think a strong message has been conveyed from us non-dog-lovers that says, “Hey! we are cool with you hating us for not understanding your dog!” I thought of giving our perspective (piece of mind) to you all so you can understand how the other side of the river is. There are reasons why we don’t prefer your precious four legged beings around us. To list a few:

      1) We like dogs too but when they are maintaining a considerable amount of distance. We think they are adorable and cute from a distance and respect our private zone!
2)      Licking, snuggling, cajoling – we do that with humans. We simply don’t understand why we have to let your dogs snuggle/lick us because we should stay in your house or need your friendship.
3)      Being licked by a dog is disgusting. Period!
4)      We don’t and won’t share our bed with four legged creatures because we don’t like it. We like to sleep with pillows and humans around us. You have a problem go sleep in the dog basket with your dog.
5)      It’s a dog. “It” is a dog! So stop forcing us to call it her, him, baby, darling, ninnu, neeno, whatever and no we won’t see it as a human being because our brain cannot function that way. You have a problem deal with it!
6)      Dog hair in food, couch, bed or my hair, your hair, not cool! OK, your hair, your wish. We will give you that too much.
7)      Pug, Lab, german shepherd, this, that, blah and blah. We see it as dogs. Tiny dog, lengthy dog, tall dog, grumpy dog. Stop looking at us like we are illiterates or you can we don’t care. We still won’t learn the dog breeds. They all look the same!
8)      If your dog is running towards us, we WILL DEFINITELY run. We are glad our survival instincts are intact. So you better tie it if you want us home. Don’t let it run towards us and ask us to deal with it or live with your dog and leave us alone.
9)      I won’t share my food with your dog. Period!
10)   Dogs have ticks. They do and they spread lyme disease. I am not going through all that because of your dog. I am paranoid and I would like that to be respected. Just like how you expect me to respect your feelings towards your dog.
11)   Please don’t let your dog loose where people are walking, old people and kids and let them sniff around. Maybe you are proud of your dog sniffing around strangers but dude! We see them as monsters and why is it so difficult for you to understand that?
12)   Dogs howling are absolutely not cute! It is annoying. It doesn’t bark sweetly it gives us a headache, it is LOUD!

I used to love dogs, hug them, play with them when I used to be a kid but then there was a time when the dog went mad and almost bit me. Maybe dogs have mood swings too and hormonal issues for all I know. I don’t care anymore. But after this incident and many incidents of dog chasing me I started getting averted towards them. They are cute and all that but no! They scare me.

It would be nice if you stop being barbaric and understand that there is a world where there are people who are scared of dogs for various reasons; there are people with different perspectives and preferences. So stop being an ass with us. It would be nice to understand us first before asking us to understand your four-legged creature and your love for them. In our defence, we understand your love for it but we just don’t want you to force it on us. It has to happen and trust me it will never happen.

So, if you need respect please learn to prioritize and keep the human love and dog love separately. If you are going to insult us if we ask you to tie your dog when we are around or keep them away from us we will leave! Because just like how you don’t understand why we don’t like them, we don’t understand why you cannot be understanding!

From,
A non-dog-lover who seeks respect!

My Kind of Love

As I sit here at the coffee shop at my favourite mall. I see screaming infants, whining kids, happy kids, angry kids and mothers consoling them, distracting them, cajoling them. I then see a mother feeding her baby a bowl of farex. She is telling him stories just like my mother would have told me when I was a baby. I see husbands walking ahead of their wives and the wives running behind to catch up with them. I see couple walking together leaving their mother behind. She stands near the escalator afraid to get on it but the couple is already in the 1^st floor. The chuda on the girl’s hands say that they are newly married. Why would the mother accompany them if they are newly married? Why should they bring their mother if they are not going to take care of her? Wouldn’t it be easier for them if they had told their mother that they want to be left alone. Wouldn’t it be easier for the mother if she understood or rather independent? I see a bunch of girls and boys sitting next to me. They are probably school kids, girls trying to impress the boys and boys trying the same. They laugh and giggle. They exchange secrets, whispering into each other’s ears. I see lovers. I see a couple opposite my table; I can say they are on a date. The girl is all decked up and the guy was trying to keep it cool. They were smiling and blushing; trying hard to keep the conversation going, trying hard to impress each other. I see people. Everyone trying hard to hold on to what they love, what they want and then I wonder why? Because if they love you, you don’t have the hold on, if you love them, you won’t feel insecure.

 I don’t know if love needs impressing. I don’t know if dates are my thing. I am not sure how I would feel with the man I love around me. I might feel a bit nervous and mighty secure or atleast that’s how I want to feel. I wonder how it would feel when the man I am in love with holds my hand and kisses me. Will my heart jump out of the rib? Will I sweat because I am nervous? I will close my eyes and hold him tight and closer so he wouldn’t disappear or if he is melting I would know. I want to melt in his eyes. Will I look into his eyes or shy away and look at the ground? A love that doesn’t require efforts, someone I know for years. Someone who can understand my silence and tears, someone who can fix me after a long, tiring day, who’s arms I can melt into, with whom I can be myself. Who doesn’t notice my flaws and makes a big deal out of it. Who understands I am a mess most of the time and learns to wrap pieces of me I would leave everywhere because I am hurt, happy, excited or dying in bits. Someone who understands, someone who will be there and near my heart even if he is miles away. His voice should be my sunshine.

That’s the type of love I yearn for, not the type of love that makes me nervous because I don’t know if he likes me. I don’t want to feel apprehensive because I am unsure what he is thinking when I have a mess on my plate or because I am holding the fork in the wrong hand. I don’t want to wait for him to tell me that he likes me. I should just know without him telling me. A love where we fight for each other and not fight for what we want as individuals. A love that will not demand.Where we will put us ahead of us. A love that is not so draining and exhaustive. A love where I am not constantly thinking how to make him talk to me.A love that understands if we don’t talk for a day and not a love that would fight for not giving time for each other.

A love so surreal, a love so magical.A love that doesn’t require make up, but accepts the flaws.A love that should let me fly and not weigh me down. That’s my definition of love. That’s the type of love one must have.

Gliding Towards 30

As I reach my 30s which I am sure is going to be as beautiful as my twenties I cannot stop but look back and see how much I have changed. Every heartbreak, tears, pain and hurt led me to exactly the person I am today. I am an introvert and come as a very rude person. I still am an introvert and that hasn’t changed. But the rude quotient has reduced. I guess! Life has changed for good. I learnt to live without the things I have craved, longed, yearned. I understood that people are not going to stay in our life and it’s ok. I also found that those who belong to your life will eventually come back. My aunt is like my second mother. Being an introvert and a single daughter I had issues making friends. I still don’t have a vast group of friends and I am soul that walks around with trust issues. This woman is someone I would trust with my life. I run out of words everytime I try to tell someone how much she means to me and the love I have for her. Few years back, we had a fight and I hurt her. I knew I was right and I would still stick to it. Hell! I would stick to my entire life but she couldn’t take the hurt. We stopped talking. She was out of my life for years. I didn’t bother. No, that would be a lie. I did miss her. Every now and then, I used to wish she was around but I always stand by what is right so I let her go. Last year, we made amends. Now we are back to the same old happy aunt and niece. I tell her everything about my life and she tells me about hers. She came back because she belonged to my life. I made no effort.

I made peace with my past. What’s done is done. Thinking that if I had done it otherwise is not going to help. I learn from my mistakes and move on. I guess that’s life. You don’t get a second chance but you always get a chance to change yourself and straighten your mistakes.

Advices are always free. People give me so many advices on how I can find a man for myself. The fact is that I don’t care that I don’t have a man in my life(I am not a lesbian). I have better things to do than to flirt with a stranger on a dating site. When the time’s right I am sure I will meet my prince charming it can happen even tomorrow, who knows? I understood that the idiots who tell me that I have no direction when it comes to love life are losers.

Those who show off like they are the happiest people in the planet are the most sorrowful souls. They are “showing off”. I stopped paying attention to what these people tell me. It could be about their life or a valuable piece of advice (according to them) to me. I don’t listen to them anymore because clearly they should sort out their life first.

People hate you when you tell them the truth. They also hate you when you are happier than them. For years, I have been thinking that there is something wrong with me because of which many of them in my life left. I eventually understood that they cannot handle me or my attitude. I like to be independent. I like to be happy even if the world is crashing down because I am going to be 30 even before I could realize. It is not going to long before I turn 40 so waste a day or an hour being unhappy or spending time with negative people. So I chuck them out of my life. It helps because what matters at the end of the day is not the number of friends you have but the ones that would like to see you grow and smile.

Interests change. For the past 3 years, I have written a lot. But I don’t feel the need anymore. I don’t feel the need to publish everything that I want to write on a blog because when I go through what I have written so far there is a load of shit. There is no competition here and they are not distributing awards. Even if they are, I am not participating. These days I stick to my journal. I like to keep it personal and close to my heart. I feel bad about not publishing a blog frequently but I would trade the immense pressure I feel when I don’t write with this. These days I am doodling a lot. I draw a lot and cook too much. I cook my own lunch and dinner. I spend more time with my family. It might sound stupid but when you want to be something the universe will conspire so if it is my destiny that I will become a writer someday. I will. I don’t need a blog for that all I need is a good plot and a publisher who will like it.

Today as I rode the streets in the rain I was immensely happy. I didn’t have the reason. I was enjoying the climate and the ride. Late 20s has taught me to love life with the imperfections and without the people and things that I thought I cannot live without. It has given me contentment. I can’t wait to grow older!

I am in a relationship with myself and I cannot stop falling in love with me everyday J

Inspiration

So this is the third word document I have opened to type something and I still don’t have anything going on in my head. I don’t know what to write and it aches. Every cell of my body aches to know what I was really good at once is slowly going away from me. I was going through the Humans of New York blog today and I read a story by a woman who wants to be in musical theater and auditions a lot. She tried to satisfy her parents and started working more than auditioning. Now she is afraid that she is changing, falling into the routines that she is happy with but is not really very all that exciting. When I read that I thought maybe I am falling into something like that. I have typed a para or so in almost 3 documents so far and everytime I reached 200 or 250 words I lost interest in writing any further.  I don’t think it is writer’s block I think it is laziness and lack of interest. I am pretty happy with my monotonous life and don’t care about changing it. Just becoming the typical IT professional I have been telling others not to be.

Then I thought maybe this is only a phase in life but you know what? I have been thinking this from the beginning of this year. Laziness has caught up with me. Once someone I know asked my age and I told him. He said, “Whoa! You are old!” Apparently, he was flirting with me and when he wanted to take it to the next level he was taken aback to know that I am 4 years elder to him. I am in my late 20s and if that is old! I don’t know what to say. Infact I was a little sad that I am maybe “old”. Then I met this old man who came to deliver a courier to my house. He delivered the courier and asked for some water. I asked his age out of curiosity and he told me that he is 75 years old and he is delivering couriers because he doesn’t want to sit idle at home and depend on his son. Then I read an article about Ritu Kumar, the owner of a famous clothes brand store and learnt she is 72 years old. I then met this man who is 65 years old and runs a 45 Km marathon. I also heard that he is the fastest running man in the entire running group. I saw my own mother making paintings and selling them online.

I always want to be a fashion designer, have my own brand but till today I don’t know to stitch a straight line. I have a sewing machine though but I don’t bother stitching. I meet many people who want to do many things just like me but they don’t because they are busy tangled in the routine. In the ifs and buts they make in their brain. I remember telling one of my friends that writing is like meditation to me. When I write my brain shuts out the world. It doesn’t allow me to think the things that I don’t want to think yet go over and over in my brain, it helps me concentrate. Today I am struggling to do what I love because I let life take control over me. So maybe we should breakfree, maybe sometimes we should force ourselves to do the things we once enjoyed because slowly and secretly life is taking control over you and engulfing the person that you used to be. Fight life and decide your path. Don’t let life choose it for you because if people who have crossed 60 years can do it we are too young to give up and take the course that life chooses for us. Inspirations are always round the corner we just need those special pair of eyes to see them.

Being Single (sinful)

My birthday just went by and made it official I have grown old and still unmarried and irresponsible and absolutely hopeless (according to others, in my version I am always awesome!). I am still unsure of what I want to do with my life. One day I want to become a zumba trainer, a writer the next and maybe a fashion designer another day because hey! It is never too late for anything! My parents don’t care what I want to become as long as I don’t rant to them about what is happening with my life. But right now I know they have an urgent need of seeing me as a wife of someone. But they absolutely understand and never force the idea of marriage into my head.

Now, my relatives, I don’t know they existed until I grew “old” they are extremely concerned that I am not married. I am a product consultant at a very reputed IT company and needless to say IT, consultant and MBA mean big money. I can take care of myself and my family and my relatives family too if they want me too. I am not bragging here but I am just trying to make a point that I am well settled. So this uncle of mine says I should compromise on my needs. I asked what type of compromise. He said you should not expect a good looking guy. I asked why and he stated the obvious, looks fade. Blah! Right, but I am not interested in having a man who is bulky and has a super big tummy that bloats infront of him as he walks or imagine having ahem.. sex.. with him.. yuck! Plainly disgusting. Let’s not even think about it. But ok, he wants me to compromise on the looks because I am growing old. I should not expect the guy to be independent. Yea, no error there. You see, there was an alliance and the son’s father wants me to financially support his son because he has a housing loan and I have to contribute towards it. First of all, this was a criteria the old man brought up while speaking a marriage alliance. He had the audacity to say my mother, that her daughter should work even if she wants to quit her job because his son is in debt. Speaking of pandavas betting their wife our men might still do it! So my uncle said he does it for our future. But shouldn’t that decision be made by both of us rather than I get married to him and start contributing for his loan from day 1. So this old man, did not think that I am the only daughter of my parents and maybe I would like to support my parents after wedding! But hey! I am a woman and men decide what a woman should do. So basically, I have my relatives asking me to compromise over my needs and settle for something lesser, something I don’t deserve because I am too old to lay conditions. But the same relatives don’t want to compromise on the needs of their children because they deserve better. Hypocrites!?

I then have these annoying friends who will not stop suggesting that I start looking for men on dating websites. That I should start seeing new people, I should try out relationships and I could get involved casually. Then there are men who assume that I might have sexual needs and start suggestive conversations with me. Then there are these useless people who are of my age and travel in the same boat as I do but just not as composed as you go around bragging about a dating life that don’t exist.

To all these idiots, maybe I enjoy being single. I might remain unmarried for the rest of my life I am sure it is not going to affect your life in anyway or maybe I might actually find the type of person I am looking for. Maybe I am not wise, intelligent, clever or however you want to call it. But I am happy, contended and having fun with my life. I am doing what I want to do and I am not afraid of the consequences because I take risks and I don’t regret. Maybe you should stop compromising and start living. Maybe you will end up being happy like me. Maybe you will find love someday.